


Anxiety Never Takes A Holiday

by SilentScreamer



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Connor Lives AU, Connor and Zoe rebuild their relationship, F/M, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Panic Attacks, Recreational Drug Use, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 23:54:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13259262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentScreamer/pseuds/SilentScreamer
Summary: : Evan knows that he needs to move out of the entryway because if he stays there any longer people at the party will start staring and whispering to each other about how pathetic Evan Hansen can’t even keep it together for one night. And then he’ll have to apologize to the Murphy’s and Zoe will break up with him.And Zoe would take Connor, Alana, and probably even Jared at this point in their inevitable “friends divorce” and then all Evan would be left with is a mom who’s never there.





	Anxiety Never Takes A Holiday

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second story for a Dear Evan Hansen secret santa. I wrote this for fouradorkableboys and again I apologize for my extreme lateness. I hope you enjoy this all the same and that you had a nice holiday <3

Evan was finishing slipping into his shoes when he hears the front door open and a pair of keys clank into the small tray in the entryway. He feels the lines of his shoulders tense and he tries to roll out the stress like Dr. Sherman had shown him during one of his more recent therapy sessions where they worked on coping mechanisms because it’s funny that Evan has been living with anxiety since he was a middle schooler but beyond a few breathing exercises he had no actual coping mechanisms on how to deal with it.

He turns in time to see his mom make her way into the living room and he tries not to wince at the look his mom levels him when she sees him in his shoes.

“I thought you had class tonight?” Evan murmurs as he reaches for his jacket.

Heidi shrugs as she sinks into the old, worn grey couch in the living room “we were only doing midterm prep today so I figured I’d bag the class and, um, hang out with you? We could order pad Thai and work on your scholarship essays?”

“Zoe invited me over to her family’s holiday party so..” Evan replies as he starts to play with the zipper of his jacket to keep his hands from ruining and wrinkling his one non polo shirt he owned before he even made it to the Murphy’s.

“You seem to spend a lot of time over at the Murphy’s Evan?” Heidi replies while sitting up a little straighter on the couch.

“It’s just easier to go over to her house after school since Zoe is my ride home. And she’s um you know my girlfiend so? Isn’t this what you wanted mom? For me to um make friends?” Evan asks balling his hands into fists in an effort to ground himself in the situation more. Evan can feel the telltale hyper beating of his heart and the numbness in his legs that usually signal an impending panic attack and Evan prefers to not have to deal with that before going to this holiday party which he was anxious enough about as it is.

“It just feels like your never here and I checked your computer Evan and you haven’t even started your essays yet. Some of them are due soon honey,” Heidi remarks getting up off the couch.

Evan blanches, “you read through my computer what the he…heck mom? And how would you know if I’m never home it’s not like you are here to miss me you’re always at work or in class” Evan says hunching down on himself in an effort to make himself as small as he felt right now.

“Evan your password is SaveTheTrees it wasn’t hard to get into your laptop and I only did it because you aren’t ever here, I was worried about you. You never talk to me anymore,” Heidi replies as she makes an aborted effort to cross over to Evan and sweep him into a hug only to stop when he takes a small step backwards.

It may have been a small step but it felt like a rapid punch to the gut to Heidi.

“Baby I was just worried. Dr. Sherman mentioned recently that he felt like you were holding back and I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I thought those were sessions were meant to be private. Dr. Sherman said everything I said there was private,” Evan replies unfurling from his hunched down position as he feels a blip of anger unfurl in his stomach. Evan briefly wonders if this is how Connor feels when Larry goes behind his back and reads his texts, Evan suddenly understands the indignation and anger Connor feels about that.

“We were just worried Evan” Heidi says putting her hands up in what she hopes Evan will interpret in a peaceful manner.

“No one cared before, I know I’m just a burden to you and I’msorryIfailedlastsummer,” Evan says realizing too late what he let slip out.

Heidi’s eyes go dark “don’t you ever joke about that Evan. Maybe you should call Zoe and tell her you can’t make it tonight. I can call Dr. Sherman and we can schedule an appointment for next week and we can talk,” Heidi says as she reaches for her phone.

“What? No I’m not, Connor is already on his way. I can’t just rearrange my schedule when you feel like being my mom, when it’s convenient for you” Evan replies as he starts to scratch the inner part of his wrist. Of the hand that used to be covered by his cast.

“I don’t think I want you going out right now,” Heidi replies as she reaches out her hand and grasps Evan’s hand, the one that had been shredding the inner part of his wrist.  


“I’m fine,” Evan replies as he tries not to struggle out of his mom’s grip.

Evan jumps at the car honk that breaks the tense silence that had enveloped the room.

“That’s Connor. I should. He doesn’t like to wait so I should, uh, go.” Evan says slipping out of his mother’s grip. “Don’t um, uh, maybe don’t wait up?”

“You’ll text me when you get to their house?” Heidi manages to squeeze out past the lump in her throat.

Evan nods as he quietly slips out and when he quietly shuts the door he feels a tear slip down his cheek. He stubbornly washes it away as he pulls his jacket closer to his face and he pretends the redness of his cheeks aren’t from the guilt and shame of his outburst at his mom and was instead from the frigid winter temperatures. 

…………………………………………………

Evan quietly slips into Connor’s car and tries to send a small smile to the brunette but he’s pretty sure by the eye roll Connor sends his way he wasn’t entirely successful.

“Your um hair looks nice,” Evan says as he watches Connor put the car in reverse and slowly back out of his driveway.

Connor shrugs, “the extended family never liked my longer hair so my mom makes me put it up when they visit.”

“You should wear it up more and with your glasses it looks nice. Um, I mean only if you want to of course,” Evan adds.

“And ruin my emo-don’t come near me aesthetic at school Hansen? Hard pass,” Connor laughs.

“Don’t take this the wrong way Hansen but you look like shit,” Connor says as he taps his fingers against the steering wheel.

Evan’s face falls as he looks down at his black button down and light washed jeans he’d put on before leaving the house. Zoe had never told him the dress code and said he’d look good in anything but he thinks to himself that he was stupid for not checking with their mom first before he’d picked out his outfit. “Um your sister. Um Zoe never told me there was a uh dress code. We could. You could drop me off back home and I could change?” Evan says while cringing at what round two with his mom would look like.

“Fuck no that’s fine but dude your breathing is all over the place and your jaw looks set tighter than Larry’s when he found me smoking for the first time.”

Evan looks out the window, at the different colored lights that adorned the houses they passed, “I’m fine.”

“You’re fine and I’m the epitome of stable mental health Evan. If you don’t want to talk about it fine, but don’t lie” Connor says gripping the steering wheel tighter in an attempt to reign in his anger.

Evan plays some more with his zipper on his coat before he looks back over at Connor. “It’s just my mom and I had a fight before I left. She um said she snooped around on my computer.”

Connor whistles, “and here I thought you and your mom were like a relationship to emulate. Turns out you guys are just as fucked as me and my parents. Going to be honest here that’s disappointing.”

“It’s just she’s never home and she complained that I never talk to her anymore and it’s just unfair. I know she works so much to support me but it’s just, I dunno it’s just a lot to go home every night to any empty house. But I’m so ungrateful..”

“Fuck that Evan. You have a right to be upset with her not being there and screw anyone who says otherwise. You can’t help how you feel,” Connor says cutting Evan off.

“You sound like you could be my therapist,” Evan says laughing. 

“Well if your mom wants to pay me my weed collection wouldn’t be opposed,” Connor says as they come to a stop at a red light.

Connor grabs his aux cord and throws it to Evan, “you can play whatever you want.”

“You never let anyone touch the radio,” Evan says as he plugs his phone into the cord and swipes through his different playlists before settling on one Zoe had sent him when they first started dating.

“You ever tell Zoe or Klienman and I’ll deny it Hansen,” Connor says as the first chord of a Joy Divison song begins to play.

“You sure Zoe made you this because this is actually a good mix,” Connor says skeptically.

Evan only nods as he lets the chords of the song relax some of the tightness coursing through his body.

“Is your family going to like me,” Evan asks as the first song on the mix comes to an end.

“My parents already love you for just, like existing on principle, no one else matters.”

“But I um. I mean for whatever reason I uh want them to like me,” Evan replies in a small voice.

“They’ll like you,” Connor says as they pull into the Murphy’s driveway. “If anyone gives you a hard time just uh find me though. Pretty sure if I defend your honor I’ll accrue cool brother points and you never know when those might come in handy.”

Evan just laughs but smiles too as a comfortable feeling blooms in his stomach.

………………………

“You look nice Evan,” Cynthia says as he and Connor pass through the entryway.

“Th-thank you Mrs. Murphy,” Evan replies as he shimmies out of his coat.

Cynthia smiles, “you can call me Cynthia Evan. Connor your grandmother wants to see you please be nice.”

“I’m always nice,” Connor says rolling his eyes.

“I have to go greet your fathers friends. The food is in the kitchen Evan, please help yourself,” Cynthia says leaving after giving Evan a brief hug and landing a small kiss on Connor’s cheek.

Connor grabs Evan’s coat that he’d been awkwardly holding onto since entering the house and puts it on top of Zoe’s on the coat rack.

“Even your coats like each other,” Connor says laughing before adding “Zoe is probably by the den somewhere and Alana is probably around too.”

Evan watches Connor slowly move towards the stairs only be to stopped by his most definitely sweaty palm, “you aren’t going to meet your grandmother,” he asks as he wipes his hand down his jeans in an attempt to dry it.

Connor lets out a short laugh, “and risk getting roped into seeing my over achieving cousins? I get compared enough to Zoe thank you fucking much.” Connor finishes before he continues to ascend the stairs towards the second floor of the home.

This time Evan doesn’t try and stop him.

He looks around the living room slowly trying to spot Zoe or Alana or he’d even take Jared at this point but he can’t see any of them and so he balls his hands into fists trying to even out his breathing. The exercise had almost worked to bring his breathing down to a more normal level until he felt the front door open and hit into him.

Evan swivels his head to say “sorry” but the guests had gone before he can even finish the word. Who doesn’t stay long enough to hear an apology Evan thinks to himself?

He knows he needs to move out of the entryway because every so often he can see people look in his direction and quickly look away when he looks back at them. If he stays here any longer people are going to start talking and exchanging short glances at him with more frequency and mutter to one another about how Evan Hansen is a kid who can’t even keep it together for one night and then he’ll have to apologize to the Murphy’s for embarrassing them and then Zoe will finally realize just how messed up he really was and she’ll break up with him. If Zoe breaks up with him she’d probably take Alana, Connor, and even Jared in the “friend divorce” and all Evan would be left with is a mom who’s never there.

Evan would be back at square one where he was before the whole Connor stealing his therapy letter fiasco.

_Pathetic._

_Weak._

_Damaged._

“Stop that Evan,” Evan says to himself trying to remember to practice what Dr. Sherman taught him to do when the negative thoughts invaded his mind. Except they didn’t just invade his mind; sometimes Evan swears he can feel as though the words and feelings have taken up residence inside his body. He can feel the patheticness wedged just under his breastbone and the damaged feeling he can feel lodged deep in his windpipe—stealing his breath.

Evan starts biting his nails as he finally takes the first steps out of the entryway and he gently pushes his way through the crowd leaving a trail of “excuse me’s and sorry’s” in his wake.

Evan feels himself release a breath he didn’t know he was holding—a tic he didn’t even know he had until Zoe pointed it out—and he grabs himself a plate. He isn’t particularly hungry when he’s anxious like this but he hopes that having something to occupy his hands will help ground him.

He’s just finished nibbling on a broccoli cheddar crostini, that he can tell by taste alone wasn’t something Cynthia made, when he sees two boys come barreling into the kitchen and make a beeline for the fridge. They don’t even notice he was there. Evan thinks they are second or third cousins of Connor and Zoe.

Before Evan can help himself he blurts out “aren’t you too young to be drinking that?”

“What are you the alcohol police?” one of the boys says snickering.

“Like they’d let someone on the force who can’t even stutter out full sentences,” the other boy adds as he takes a swing of the beer in his hand.

Evan recoils as if stung “won’t the Murphy’s notice?” Evan says because his anxiety makes him such a glutton for punishment.

“They’ll just assume Connor drank it. It’s a foolproof plan. God can’t believe Zoe dates your lame ass,” one of the boys says as they push past Evan, harder than necessary Evan thinks.

“She’ll move on soon. I mean her friends are convinced she’s only dating him because he saved Connor, sooner or later she’ll realize useless tree fact boy isn’t anything special beyond his stuttering.”

“It’s called anxiety Karen,” Evan hears Jared yell at the retreating figures. And when had Jared got here?

Evan starts to feel his hands tremble and his vision cloud over.

“What ass…make Connor…seem saintly,” Evan hears brief snippets of what Jared is telling him.

Evan knows he should try and focus on what Jared is saying to him and knows that when he feels a hand on his neck that it’s just Jared’s way of trying to help him because that had worked when he was younger but he’s older now, the anxiety is worse now and Jared was never around when it got this bad so Evan jumps. He jumps and he knows if he doesn’t try and force his feet into moving within the next ten seconds he’s going to have a panic attack in the Murphy’s kitchen and he’d truly rather die than have that happen.

Evan feels like he’s watching himself in some sort of out of body experience as he pushes through the crowd and towards the staircase. Evan fucking hates that in his wake he still leaves a trail of “excuse me’s.”

Fucking anxiety.

Fucking pathetic.

Evan’s foot misses one of the landings on the staircase and he trips up the last few steps and he blindly reaches towards the first door his hands find purchase on and Evan can feel tears falling down his face, can feel the way his heart beats wildly in his chest. He has just enough strength to shut the door and slide down the wall of whatever room he’d barreled into.

Evan’s hands grab fistfuls of his hair and he tugs hard, relishing the tendrils of pain that the motion elicits.

When the pain from the hair pulling isn’t enough he starts to bang his head against the wall behind him and he was about to start tearing apart his nails when he feels someone shake him.

“What the fuck Evan,” and when Evan wipes the tears and snot from his face he takes in the concerned face of Connor and he realizes as he swivels his head around to look at the dark grey walls that he was in Connor’s room.

“I thought I was in Zoe’s room. I’msorrysosorryI’llgonow,” but before Evan could even make it up onto one knee he feels Connor push him back down.

“Stay here Hansen,” Evan hears Connor say before he hears the door to the bedroom open and close.

_Alone._

_Alone._

_Alone._

_Alone._

_Alone._

All alone just like Evan knew would happen. Evan’s always waiting for everyone to leave ever since the UHAUL took his dad away when he was seven. It’s why Evan has greedily committed every kiss, card, and date with Zoe to memory because her cousins are right—Zoe is going to realize just how damaged he is and how she deserved someone who could go out on real dates—not just nights in and she’d leave too.

The anxiety and crushing weight of eventual loneliness manifests itself in how Evan always takes great pains to curl his body into itself to make him as small as possible, in how he will always take the chair closest to the door.

_Pathetic._

_Weird._

_Unlovable._

Evan distantly hears the soft click of the door open and close over the blood rushing around his ears.

“Evan?”

“Evan.”

“Evan!”

Evan feels someone grab one of his shoulders gently and he starts crying again as fingers gently run through his hair. Evan feels like the gesture should make him feel babied but he can’t be bothered to muster up any indignation at the moment.

“What did you do Connor?” Evan hears as he pulls his whole body towards Zoe.

“I didn’t do anything thanks for having so much confidence in me Zo” Evan hears Connor mutter angrily.

“You’re fine Evan,” Zoe says as she continues to card her fingers through his hair.

“Take your time Evan,” Zoe adds a few minutes later. He closes his eyes and continues to cry and shake back and forth. He tries to focus on evening out his breathing but he’s finding it hard to get air into his lungs.

He smiles a bit as he feels Zoe run her hands over his face lingering longer around his eyes and lips, even brushing a few stray tears away from his face.

Evan feels his hands shake as Zoe asks, “Um Evan can you name five things you see?”

“Z..Zoe?” Evan asks bewildered.

“Just please. Try?” Zoe asks as her hands cup the side of Evan’s face.

“Your, um, your hands, Connor’s nail polish, your earrings, Connor’s hoodie, and uh the ceiling?”

“Good, that’s good Evan. Now what are four things you can touch?” Zoe asks as she takes one of Evan’s hands between hers.

Evan’s willing his hand not to sweat. He’s pretty sure he fails. “Your uh hand, Connor’s leg, the floor, and um my jeans I guess.”

Upon realizing just how much his feet were touching Connor’s leg he tries to push away but Connor just pats his foot and says, “dude it’s fine.”

Evan can feel his breathing start to even out, his lungs don’t feel on fire as much as they did a few minutes ago.

“What are three things you can hear?” Zoe asks next.

“Music downstairs, the ceiling fan, and my breathing,” Evan replies sinking further into Zoe’s lap.

“That’s good Evan. What are two things you can smell?”

“You’re perfume and um….weed” Evan says smiling.

Evan watches Connor roll his eyes before smirking “way to sell me out there Evan. Can’t a guy get high in peace anymore?”

“Pretty sure your room permanently smells like weed bro. And finally one thing you can taste Evan,” Zoe asks as she strokes her hand against his cheek.

“Salt from my tears,” Evan replies.

“I’m sorry I probably ruined your night. I’dumunderstandifyoulikewantedtobreakup,” Evan says in a rush as he pushes himself into a sitting position.

“You are entitled to your off nights Evan. I’m proud of you for even coming tonight that’s like so fucking brave,” Zoe says smiling as she pushes some of Evan’s hair away from his face.

Evan feels himself blush at the feeling of Zoe’s hands on his face. “Where’d you learn that anxiety technique?”

Zoe looks over at Connor and grabs one of Evan’s hands and squeezes, “I talked about your attacks with Connor and he thought maybe his would help? I know you can’t stop them but I just hate how helpless I used to feel during them. Do you think it helped?” Zoe asks.

Evan nods, “thanks. Um only my mom ever you know. Only she ever seemed interested in learning how to handle me like that.”

“Not even Jared?” Connor asks.

Evan shakes his head, “I was better um when I was younger? He wasn’t around much after it got bad?”

Zoe kisses the side of his face, “if you want to go back to the party? I’m okay now,” Evan says leaning into Zoe’s touch.

“Jared just texted me to let me know he punched one of the cousins who was making fun of you so I think I’m good up here. I guess Larry even gave Jared a pat on the head,” Zoe says laughing as she pulls Evan back into her lap.

“Want to marathon Parks and Rec?” Connor asks a few minutes later.

“Sounds nice,” Evan says smiling.

“I know this is stupid and um selfish but if we ever break up can you not take all the friends in our friends divorce?” Evan asks suddenly breaking eye contact with Zoe.

“Dude Zoe would drive me insane on principle so if you ever break up I’m moving in with you and pretty sure my sister wouldn’t want to keep Jared,” Connor says laughing.  


“It’s true but don’t think like that okay,” Zoe says squeezing his hand.

Evan nods and watches as Connor sets up his laptop and Zoe breaks into her brothers secret stash of snacks and Evan feels a vise breakaway inside his chest. He thinks maybe for the first time that someone will stick it out with him.

Maybe he isn’t as pathetic and unlovable as the voice in his head says he is.


End file.
